Two Years Later

For whatever reason my diagnosis post was an easy one. I knew the facts. I knew the questions that would be asked, and most of all, I knew I needed to share the news for my own sanity. Fast forward two years later and I’m sort of at a loss for words, so bear with me as I piece this together. Yes, it’s been 2 years since my breast cancer diagnosis. Yes, I finished 12 weeks of chemotherapy and 30 rounds of radiation. Yes, the cold cap was a success. Yes, they tell me I am a survivor. No, I don’t feel like a survivor. Chemo didn’t make me physically sick. Radiation didn’t kick my butt. Honestly, I finished radiation October 19th, 2018 and we moved the following week. For the most part, life was normal throughout. (See pictures below) I needed friends and family to step in to entertain my boys and Netflix became my best friend that summer. There were minor tweaks to our schedule but nothing earth shattering. All of that being said to explain the “did the treatment really work” feelings. When my treatment concluded in May of 2019, there was no “full body scan” to check for cancer and assure me that I am, in fact, a survivor. I’ve asked every doctor that I’ve encountered and no-one will oblige. They believe, in my case, that those tests cause more problems than they’re worth. Not sure I buy in but I guess that’s above my pay grade. Hence the “did the cancer metastasize?” feelings. In the very recent past, two women in my life lost their battle with cancer. Two friends that lived on my street. On my side of the street. Within 5 houses of us. That’s a tough pill to swallow anytime, let alone when dealing with my own diagnosis. Hence the feelings that range from “am I really in a different boat?” to “why am I the one that got so lucky?”. I could rattle off a lot of scenarios and feelings that keep me from feeling 100% secure, but at the end of the day, I just have to push forward. How do I do it? First and foremost, I listen to my body. If my pinky hurts, I immediately google pinky cancer THEN let my doctor know so they can ease my mind and scan if necessary. Beyond that, I leave my kids at home and go to dinner with Mike. I stay positive, not about cancer but about everyday things. I went on a girls trip! I’m watching what I eat and gave up my beloved Diet Coke. When the boys (Garrett!!!) ask questions beyond their years I take advantage of the opportunity and answer them straight. I’m working to create a bright and calm atmosphere in our new house. I’ll happily watch countless baseball games. I try to say no to things I don’t want to do and yes to everything else. Most of all, I remind myself how my mom fought and how I am blessed to still be on this journey we call life. Oh and anxiety meds help a lot too. 😉